And the prize for least original blog post title after a hiatus goes to...
Well this is awkward, isn't it? After proudly proclaiming at the beginning of January 2019 that I was going to aim to write on my blog once a week, I managed a grand total of four posts, the last of which was practically a year ago.
I think we can all safely say, resolutions, not my thing...
So you might be wondering where I've been or even why I'm back?
I've no big explanation of why I never kept up last years resolution or why this evening, in particular, I felt my sofa and my keyboard calling me but here I am. I guess now is probably a good time to tell you that my sofa has changed since the last time we spoke. Now my sofa is inside a flat in Manchester, which I moved into last May with Rick. The moved happened around about the same time that after three years of lessons, and the same amount of tests, I finally passed my driving test. So I guess if you ever needed proof that I need to have a considerable amount of pressure or a pressing deadline to get things done... that would be it.
Work changed last year too. I went freelance two days a week at the beginning of the year, and my commute the other three days drastically changed with the move. Then, I took on my biggest project to date: programming and producing Burnley Literary Festival.
The festival happened last October and since then slowly but surely I've felt my love for words rekindle, and with it, I felt something click into place. Something I've felt uncomfortable about for many years, but now I feel happy to say. I don't want to be a performer.
I'm not sure I ever truly did. Yes, I loved performing when I was growing up, and it was through performing that I found my love for the arts, but I never felt the same way, so many people I know do... that performing /acting is their calling. I guess I simply performed because I loved to write, and at the time it made sense that if I was going to write something that wasn't a blog, it would be for the theatre.
And if it was going to be for the theatre, then it would need someone to perform it... and I was the only person I had to do that.
Now don't get me wrong, writing and performing two solo shows, will always be really joyful things for me. I loved the experience, but deep down, I never really felt, that that was the path I wanted to take to "making it."
And for a long time, I said I'd go back to it, or that I hadn't "given up" on it, but really I had, I was just worried that that meant that I'd failed.
Now I don't feel like that. Now I feel like, I tried it, I liked it, but ultimately it's not for me.
But writing? That's different.
So I guess I do have an explanation for why I'm back in a way.
I'm back because I want to write.
And I have been writing. Well, I've been planning... A children's novel.
Typing that out feels a bit... I don't know... Scary? Embarrassing? Exciting? All of the above?
But I am indeed planning on writing a book. Partly because I believe I can, slightly because I'm turning 30 in August and I do not want to run a marathon. But mainly because I really really want to.
I want to see if I can bring a world to life, I want to see if I can write something long-form, and fiction and have it make sense. And I want to feel that same silly giddiness that I did the first time I decided I'd just... you know... casually write and perform a show. The adrenaline that comes from doing something even though no one gave you permission to.
And I guess returning to this blog is all mixed up in that.
Many of you probably don't know, but the only reason this blog ever came into existence, is because the first time I moved to Manchester and created my old theatre company (sounds grander than it was) a very good friend of mine, said I should write about it on the internet.
Now starting a big project without documenting it feels a bit daft.
I've no intention of sharing the actual children's novel on here, but I'll probably be writing about the process. In theory, it will hold me accountable for writing the actual book, in practice, it will likely be a great way of procrastinating from writing the actual book,
I also have a whole backlog of other pieces of fictional writing I've collated over the years from various projects, that I want to share with you.
And thrown in with all that I'm sure there'll be the usual more personal and casual posts along the way too...
Is it weird that I feel nervous about publishing this?
Is it weird that it feels really good to be nervous about publishing something again?
Is that a good sign?
I think so x
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